Goodbye
by Kristen Polakiewicz

I miss getting up in the morning, and walking onto the porch with a cup of tea. I used to get up earlier than everyone else. That was my favorite time of the day. I loved watching the sun burn the fog lying down in the sky, seeing the cows graze toward the barn, and hearing that one last cricket who still hadn't retired yet for the evening. There were the hundred degree July days, helping Mom and Dad on the farm. There weren't too many people my age around here, so I spent most of my time with my Dad, Mom and brothers feeding the animals, cleaning the barn, and harvesting the crops. I would go riding with my horse, Laura. Dad gave her to me on my fifteenth birthday. We had several horses on the farm, but I finally had one to call my own. I used to walk a half-a-mile down to the small stream in the meadow, holler for her, and she would come running. When she finally got to me her ears would be pricked high. I knew she was happy to see me too.

Once or twice a week I would go fishing with my brothers, Jared and Robby. Jared looked just like me. He had brown hair and brown eyes. Robby was the youngest of us three. He had green eyes like my Dad, and light blond hair. Even though I was the oldest, they still taught me how to fish, and I got to be damn good at it too. Whether it was raining or not, I used to go alone every Sunday morning. Whether that's because no one wanted to take the walk to get to the stream, or because no one wanted to fish that early, I didn't know; if nothing else I got a little time to myself. Once in a while I would walk a little further out into the meadow. Since this spot was quite a ways out, I never saw anyone while I fished. It was a pretty little spot. There was a waterslide created between two sharp, pointed rocks. The water would swirl back and forth between the two rocks, and would occasionally jump off the rocks and into the air, then fall quietly into the stream. The water from the stream was pure and fresh. Water, now there's something. I loved being able to just cup my hands, dip them into the stream and drink. It tasted just the way water should taste; like nothing. The gap in the trees created a perfect balance between shade and sunlight, and the trees also provided shelter if it started to rain. That was my secret hideaway.

If I walked towards town, there was a hill the kid's nicknamed White Horse Mountain. The story goes that because a long time ago, when my grandparents were growing up some boy claimed that he saw a white horse running down the hill. Some believe it, some don't. Some say it is just the beauty of the hill and the feeling you get when you're up there. I used to climb up the hill and just nap for hours while soaking up the warm summer sunshine. A beautiful birch tree stood proudly on the hill. Even on rainy days, I found refuge under its large branches.

And the food, it definitely lacked pizzazz. There was nothing like biscuits and gravy for breakfast, ice cold lemonade and fresh bread for lunch, and a big pot of beef stew for supper. Supper time was a great end to a hard day on the farm. My family would just sit around the table, and tell stories. Then some nights after supper just as the sun began to set and the night air would set in, Dad would start a small fire outside in the fire pit. Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, Clay and their other son Rich would come share the fire with us.

The Johnson's lived a little ways down the road from us. I grew up with their son, Clay. We had known each other our entire lives. However, love began to blossom when we were about 13 years old. I still remember how it all started. It was when Clay and I were at our secret spot in the meadow. We were looking up at the stars. He told me to look up and to the right, and I would see the big dipper. Well, when I looked up he gently put his hand on my cheek and kissed me. It was my first and most memorable kiss. We were a couple ever since that day. We used to go riding together. Clay and I would get our horses and ride around the farm and into the meadow. It was so beautiful there. The trees created a blanket of shade that provided comfort and consistency. Even the tiny stream that ran on the meadow's floor created a peaceful and relaxing rhythm for all that took the time to listen.

It was hell sometimes with all the work the farm brought on, but I loved every moment of it. The days made the evenings that much sweeter. I had always felt so comfortable with Clay. Our families were convinced that one day we would be married. I've never known anyone quite like him. None of the boys at school even came close. He was tall with sandy brown hair and eyes as blue a morning sky. He had dimples and a small birthmark on his right cheek. He was my best friend.

Summer I turned sixteen left as quickly as it came. The leaves began had begun to change color. They blanketed the farm and meadow. My father began to get ready for the big Harvest Festival that was going to be held in town that weekend. My brothers and I helped out as much as we could with the crops and animals. I also had to maintain my job as a waitress at Terry's Table. I had been working there for almost two years. Terry's Table was a small, run down diner in the middle of town. It was a good place for family dinners, and a fun place for all the teenagers to hang out. Every Saturday night, when my shift was over, Clay would meet me at the diner. He would buy me a strawberry milkshake, and walk me home. Every walk home was always the same. When we got to the door, he'd give me a small, soft kiss on the lips, and wish me sweet dreams. Life could get no better that!

One day, when I got home from school, I over heard Mom and Dad talking in their bedroom. I always used to hide in the spare room next to theirs so I could hear the important conversations they wouldn't ordinarily tell us kids.

"Michael, can you believe it? I finally got that call!" Mom yelled with excitement.

"Patsy that's wonderful! When did you find out?" Dad asked.

"I got the call just a few minutes before you came home. I can't believe that after all of the applicants at the recruitment day I went to a few months ago, they chose me to teach at a public school all the way in Los Angeles!"

This is a dream come true for you Patsy. I couldn't be prouder. When do you start?"

"They want me there by January. That is when the kids come back from Christmas break. Apparently they are loosing a second grade teacher, and they want ME to take her place! I thought that I would never go back to teaching after the kids were born. Now that the kids are growing up, they don't need me around as much as they used to. I really miss teaching. It was a big part of my life." Mom said.

"Well Patsy, we'll have to sell the farm and the horses as soon as we can, it's already October. I just have to think of the right way to break this to the kids."

Just then, I heard them walking out of the room. I ran into my room and closed the door.

"Sammy, is that you?" Mom yelled.

"Yeah." I yelled through a closed door.

I didn't know what to do. I decided to not tell anyone. The last thing I wanted was to worry my little brothers and Clay. Maybe it really wasn't to happen.

* * * *

"Sam, come quick!" Robby yelled.

I suddenly woke up looked at the clock and noticed it was only 7 a.m.

"Hurry up Sam. This is important." I threw the covers off, and sat up in bed. I rubbed my eyes and yawned loudly. By this time Robby was in my room practically dragging me out of bed. I looked for my pink slippers, and tried to keep up with him as he ran outside on the porch.

"Look!" he said as he pointed to a yellow sign on the front lawn. "Sam, we're moving!" Robby walked closer to me. Being only six at the time, he was the perfect height to hold on to one of my legs. He buried his head in my night gown. I crouched down so I could be eye level with him. It looks like what I heard was right. We were really going to leave Sunshine Grove. I felt a tear trickle down the cheek. How could I comfort Robby when I was a wreck myself? Just as I crouched down to talk to Robby, Jared walked onto the porch.

"What's all the commotion down here? All I heard was Robby yelling and."

Jared stopped in mid sentence, and his eyes got bigger as he laid eyes on the yellow "For Sale" sign.

"Sam? He muttered, what's going on here?" "Where are Mom and Dad?" They always looked to me for advice and comfort. Maybe it was because I was the oldest.

"Okay guys, Mom and Dad went to the Johnson's this morning. They should be back by ten o'clock. We'll have to wait until they get back to talk to them. Why don't you two get dressed, and I'll start to fix breakfast."

"Sam, Robby whimpered, I'm scared. I don't wanna move. I like it here in Sunshine Grove. What about Rich and school and the horses and meadow, and."

"Shhh. Let's wait for Mom and Dad." I said. Robby ran up to his room. I sat down at the kitchen table, and let my head collapse into my arms. My life was over. What about Clay and the Johnson's, and Terry's Table, and school.I began to cry, but his time it was more than one single tear drop. I sobbed until I heard Robby and Jared run into the kitchen. I got up, whiped my eyes, and started to make some eggs.

Ten o'clock finally came and then ten thirty . No sign of Mom and Dad. Robby and Jared went to tend to the horses, while I got dressed and cleaned the kitchen. It was about eleven o'clock when Mom and Dad strolled in the door.

"Morning' Sam, isn't it a beautiful day?" Mom said cheerfully

"Beautiful? How can you even say that? This family is moving and no one even told me?" The words began to break apart. I tried to fight the tears back, but it was a fight I couldn't win. "I heard you and Dad talking a week ago when I came home from school. Why didn't you guys tell us then? Mom in sixteen years old now, I'm not a child. I deserve to know what is going on in this family!"

"Sam, we were going to tell you, Robby and Jared together as soon as we got some more details. We didn't expect to get the sale sign so soon. We were waiting for the right moment to tell you three." Mom said. Her face was marred by worry. Maybe she was second guessing her decision.

"I know its sudden Sam, but Mom finally got that teaching job in Los Angeles . Teaching is something she's always wanted to get back to doing."

"What about the farm and our horses? What about Clay? When are we leaving?" I yelled.

"We are hoping to find a buyer for the farm and horses. Mom is supposed to start the first week in January. I know this is hard Sam, but we all have to stick together." Dad said. Just then I felt his large hand on my shoulder. His hand usually felt soft and kind, but this time it was as hard as steel. I backed away knocking it off my shoulder.

"Well, you tell Robby and Jared what's going on here. I'm too upset to even think straight right now. I don't know if what hurts more, us leaving Sunshine Grove or you guys keeping it from me for so long! I just can't believe we have to leave. I.I." I couldn't get out another word. I ran out the front door and leaped off the porch. I kept running until I reached the barn. I ran directly to Laura's stall and wrapped my arms around her. All I could think about was leaving everything I knew and loved, and most importantly Clay. I quickly tried to pull myself together. I began to put Laura's saddle and bridle on. I jumped on Laura's back and rode as quickly as I could to Clay's house.

When I reached Clay's house, he was already on his porch. He was sitting holding his head in his hands. "I knew you were coming" he said without raising his head.

"Clay.I'm sorry. I didn't know, I swear. I can't leave you. What will I do without you?" I hopped off Laura and stepped in front of Clay. I reached for his hand. He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards him. "We'll get through this Sam, I promise."

* * * *

In about a week, the "For Sale" sign was overruled by a large "Sold" sticker. The next two weeks flew by. Mom and Dad were constantly on the phone making arrangements. I was definitely overwhelmed by all the thoughts running freely in my mind. Where will I go to school? Will I like it there? What about Clay? When can I see him? I fell asleep every night asking God these questions. All I ever heard were the crickets..

The night before the big move, I snuck out after everyone went to sleep to meet Clay in our special spot in the meadow. When I got there, he was sitting on a blanket and staring into the waterfall. The moon was the only source of light. It illuminated the trees and created beautiful shadows that danced on the water. I walked closer to him. His eyes were now on me.

"Hey Clay, what are you thinkin' about?"

"Stuff. A lot of stuff." Clay said as he turned his head to focus back on the waterslide.

I sat down on the old blue blanket Clay was sitting on. He brought that blanket every time we had a picnic or went fishing. Even though it was worn out, it was still soft and familiar. Clay turned towards me.

"I'm gonna miss you Sam. California is a long way from here." Just as he said this, a few tears streamed down from his baby blue eyes. It was the first time I ever saw him cry. He walked towards me and put his strong arms around me.

"I'm gonna miss you too, but you promised everything will be fine. We'll make things work. I mean there's always the phone, and holidays you can come and visit. I can even come and visit you, like on summer vacation," I said trying to sound confident.

"It's not that simple Sam." Clay said as he got up from the blanket. "I need someone that's always going to be here for me. How can we be there for one another if we're both so far away? One of the things I always loved about our relationship is that we lived so close to each other. If I needed you, you would be at my door in a heartbeat. How can you still be there for me if you're so far away? Sam you know that I love you and you're my best friend, but I just think it's." Clay stopped and put his head in hands.

"Clay? What are you trying to say here?" I didn't know why I asked that. I knew just what he was going to say. I guess I thought he was going to change his mind.

"Sam, I think that we should break up." Clay said.

"I can't believe you! You don't even want to give this whole thing a try. After all these years you're going to give up. You said we'd always be together.no matter what! You promised everything would be fine. Now you're giving up on me?" I yelled as tears streamed down my face.

"Sam, you just don't get it do you?" Clay said.

"No.I guess I don't. You lied!"

"Sam, I'm sorry. I just think it's the right thing to do."

"No. It's not right. It's not right at all!" I said as I looked into his blue eyes for the last time. "I guess this is good bye."

Clay leaned towards me. Just as he leaned in to kiss me.I ran. I never ran that fast in my entire life. I knew he was a fast runner, and the last thing I wanted was him to catch up to me. Tears were streaked down my face. I never thought in a million years that I would be running away from Clay. How could that possibly be? He was always the one I ran to when I had a problem. He had always been that one person who never let me down. Finally exhausted, I looked back to see if he was following me, but there was no sign of him. Maybe I expected him to follow me. I couldn't believe that he was letting me go so easily. I kept running though. I ran until I got to the barn. I sat down on an old stool that was in Laura's stall and cried. I decided since this would be my last time with Laura, I'd just sleep in the barn.

* * * *

It was a long drive to Los Angeles. The only thing I could think about was what happened between Clay and me. It seemed as if it took my dad forever to find a rest stop. We all got out of the car and started to walk into a small diner. Mom pulled me aside.

"Just go ahead guys; we'll be there in a few minutes." Mom said.

"Sammy, what's wrong? You've haven't said a word since we left Sunshine Grove."

"It's nothing Mom, really. I just have a lot of thinking to do. That's all." I said. I put my head down. I could feel the tears coming again, so I looked away.

"Sammy, I had a feeling something was wrong this morning when Clay didn't come to see you before we left. And it's okay. You don't have to explain everything to me. I know when it happened to me for the first time, I wanted to be left alone." Mom said.

"Clay broke up with me." I said with a sniffle trying to fight back the tears. "He lied to me Mom. He told me everything would be fine. He told me he would always be there for me. I don't know why he did what he did. He told me he couldn't handle me living so far away. He didn't even want to try Mom." I leaned my head against her shoulder.

"Let me tell you something my mom told me. I always thought she was just telling me this stuff to make me angry and that she didn't know what I was going through. But it all makes sense to me now. It might not make sense to you right now, but someday it will. Clay may be the first guy to break your heart, but he won't be the last. Honey, there will be more guys that will come along.trust me. You're a beautiful girl. And for right now, it's hard to accept it's over. It's okay to hurt, and it's okay to cry. But in time, you'll feel better and the pain will be gone."

"I just get this sick feeling in my stomach whenever I think about him. Maybe it's because I can't do anything about it. And no matter how hard I try, I can't make him love me enough! I can't make him want a relationship with me. Was I stupid for believing everything would work out? Was I stupid for believing him when he said we would always be together? Mom, Clay and I have been through so much together. He's the only guy."

"Right, he is the only guy you really ever knew and no, you're not stupid. Sammy, how can you know what else is out there? I'm not saying you are too young to know true love, but you have a lot of time left. It's okay to wonder what's behind door number two after you picked door number one. There will be times when you will question and second guess your decisions. But when you finally make the right one, you'll know. Right now, it's okay to keep looking for something more. Even if you feel like you don't want to look, sometimes that's just how life is. Trust me honey, you'll know when the right person comes along."

"How? I was wrong about Clay. I really thought he was the one." I didn't believe her.

"You'll just know. It's a feeling that can't be explained, it can only be felt by your heart," Mom said.

Just then she reached for my hand and together we both walked into the diner to find Dad, Jared and Robby. I started to feel hungry for the first time after that talk with my Mom. I just had a feeling that I would get through everything. It helped to know that I wasn't alone. The hardest thing for me was saying good bye, and accepting what Clay and I had was over.

* * * *

"Mom, did that really happen to you? I'm not the only one who ever felt this way?"

We were still sitting on Chloe's bed. She had dozens of pictures spread out all over the floor. She'd thrown all of the stuffed animals her boyfriend had given her in the middle of room. In her hands, she was held the heart shaped pendant he had given her on her sixteenth birthday. I looked at my daughter tear streaked face. She was clutched a tissue in her right hand. I guess you can say I always dreaded the day my own daughter would suffer from her first broken heart.

"It's the truth Chloe. I really thought that when I moved, my life was over. I had to leave behind my friends, my job, school, the beautiful meadow, my horse, and most importantly, Clay. I thought I had the perfect life. I really thought Clay and I would be together forever. He was the first guy to ever make me happy, and the first guy to break my heart. But if it weren't for that big move, I would never have met your dad."

"But it hurts so much," Chloe said as she wiping her eyes.

I held my arms wide open as she leaned towards me. She buried her head in my shoulder. I felt her wrap her arms around me too. I just sat there and held her for a while. At that point, I felt as helpless as she felt. I could suddenly relate to the void she was feeling in her tender, broken heart. I didn't know what else to say, so I looked at her and said, "How can I help you.to say good bye?"

Kristen M. Polakiewicz is a Junior at Daemen College in the Education Program with an area study in English. She hopes to make use of her writing and reading skills to enlighten all the students she will have in her classes someday! Writing has been a great way for her to express thoughts and feelings. The possibilities are endless!