Good Girl
by Kimberly Sciolino

It was just one dumb night, and now it was something that I would regret forever. I gripped the sink with both hands as I desperately gasped for air. Why me? I was a good girl. Only the slutty girls deserved to deal with situations like this. All that kept running through my head was my parents' reaction, or worse yet, his reaction. Would he treat me different now? What would everyone in school think? I was getting light headed and dizzy. I couldn't even focus on my own face in the mirror. My heart began to race as shock and fear took over. I sat down on the cold, hard bathroom floor and put my face in my hands. My eyes began to burn as they filled with tears.

* * * *

It was about a month ago. My friend John, whom I'd had a secret crush on since 9 th grade, came up to me after class one day.

"Hey Shelly baby! What you doin' this Friday?" he said to me through his cool grin.

John was what you would call "popular." He was our high school quarterback and senior class president. He was tall, with broad shoulders and large, muscular arms. He had dark brown hair and gorgeous blue eyes that earned him "Best Eyes" in our senior class poll. He was cocky, and never took NO for an answer from anyone.

"Uh. I don't know. Probably just studying or something," I nervously replied, blushing as I realized how dull I probably sounded.

"Well, how 'bout you ditch the studying and come to Riley's party. It's gonna be a blast; the guys are getting two kegs!"

"I don't know John, my mom will kill me if she finds out that I am at a party. She wouldn't exactly approve of me being around alcohol and drugs for a night. And besides, I'm not so sure that I would fit in either."

"Of course you'll fit in. Just tell your folks that you are chillin' with Anna. I know she will be there with Ronny. You girls can lie together!" He winked at me and smiled again.

"Well, I guess so," I said reluctantly.

"Great! I'll definitely see you there!" He flirtatiously punched me in the arm and strolled away from my locker. He was so hot.

"Yeah," I muttered, blushing uncontrollably. "See ya there."

John never shared the feelings for me that I felt for him. He and I had spent plenty of time together over the past few years, but all I was to him was a smart girl that could help him pass math. When we were in 9 th grade, the principal had threatened to take him off of the football team if he didn't get his grades up, so our math teacher suggested that I help him since I was at the top of the class.

From the moment I met him, I was charmed for life. He was not only good looking, but he knew just the right things to say to a girl to make her feel special. He was confident and popular, and I always wished that I could be just like him. I often thought about how great my life would be if I had a boyfriend like him. Instead of telling him how I felt, I just continued to tutor him in math. The arrangement worked out fine for both of us; I got to see him a couple times a week and he got to stay on the football team.

He was the type of guy that dated all of the "popular" girls, mostly tall, blonde cheerleaders with big boobs and short skirts. I guess I was just never his type. I was the smart, sensible type who spent more time reading books than attending social functions. It seemed strange that he was so interested in me going to the party, but I was excited anyhow. Had he finally realized that we would make a good couple? Did he finally see more in me than my math skills? Maybe it was my chance to show him that I was just as cool as those other girls, and that I could be just as good a time as anyone else. I could drink beer and make a fool out of myself like the rest of them!! Oh, who was I fooling?

When I got home, I rushed to the phone to call Anna. She was my best friend; she would help me. She dated John's friend Ronny, and she'd been to these parties a lot. She had a much better sense of style than I did, so I figured she could help me look more like a cool girl and less like a homely Wal-Mart shopper.

"Oh my god, you have to let me get you ready for this party," she squealed into the phone when I told her the news. "I think I have just the right outfit for you. and we can do your makeup and hair and."

"Ok Anna," I interrupted her before she got carried away. "I will just come to your house after school on Friday and we can get ready there."

"Great!" She sounded satisfied and ready to take on the challenge. "But what are you going to tell your parents?" she asked, suddenly concerned.

"I haven't exactly figured that out yet, but don't worry about it. I'll be able to think of something convincing."

Friday came quickly. After school that day, I rushed home to get an overnight bag together, and it was time to lie to my parents. I figured that they would be fine with whatever I told them; they had no reason not to trust me. My parents were good people. My father was a New York State Trooper, and my mother worked as a School Nurse at an elementary school. They were both strict Catholics; we had gone to church every Sunday as a family for as long as I could remember. I was an only child, so they had set high expectations for me my whole life, and I had met them. I was a straight-A-student, I was captain of the West Valley Debate Team, and I was taking college level courses at the local community college as a senior in high school. I also led the children's Bible study at the church; they expected it from me. They were good parents, and I was a good daughter. They trusted me.

I walked downstairs and into the kitchen, where my mom was leaning over the stove cooking dinner. She was humming a song that I didn't recognize, and she seemed to be in a great mood. I seized a good opportunity to tell her my story.

"Hey honey," she said to me before I could speak. "I'm making spaghetti for dinner, your favorite! Your father should be home any minute now, so can you help me set the table?" I slowly walked to the cupboard and grabbed only two dishes while I carefully thought about how I would say what I was thinking.

"Uh, thanks mom, but I wasn't planning on being home for dinner. Anna asked me if I wanted to spend the night at her house. We were just gonna go out for a bite to eat and rent a movie or something." I couldn't even look her in the eye as I spoke. I could feel butterflies taking over my stomach.

"That sounds great! You really deserve a night to relax a little." She smiled at me, holding out the large wooden spoon so that I could try the sauce. She didn't even suspect that I was lying.

"Thanks mom," I said, trying to act as normal as possible. "I will see you tomorrow then." I turned to walk out of the kitchen.

"Have a great time, and be careful! Love you Shel," she yelled after me.

"Love you too mom," I answered. God, did I feel guilty.

When I got to Anna's house, she was rummaging through her walk-in closet mumbling something about a jean skirt. Anna was a pretty girl. She had long, blonde hair and fair skin. She was taller than most girls, and her narrow legs and waist made her look even taller. She was a confident, outgoing person; she was a good friend for me. When I was around her, she gave me the confidence and strength that I lacked when I was by myself.

"Hey girl!" she squealed. "Are you ready for me to make a masterpiece out of you?"

"Yeah. I guess," I answered, "just as long as your masterpiece resembles me in one way or another." I giggled at her as she plowed through the piles of clothes in and around her closet.

"How about this?" she asked as she held up a small piece of fabric, which I think was supposed to be a skirt.

"Ha, yeah right Anna! That skirt would cover one of my thighs!" She rolled her eyes at me and continued hunting for something I would agree to wear. Anna and I had been through a lot together. She and I had grown up on the same street, and we had been best friends for as long as I could remember. Once we had hit middle school, she had taken the path of the trendy and outgoing style-setter, and I had gone the way of the average smart girl. Although we were very different, she had been a loyal friend all along. I was lucky to have a friend like her.

"Oh, now this is perfect for you!" Anna held a short, sheer shirt up to my frame.

"I want to look trendy, not like a whore."

"Come on Shel, trust me. If you want to get his attention, you're going to have to wear something other than a hooded sweatshirt. Besides, he likes girls that show a little skin!"

"Fine, I'll show some skin, but I also want to cover some skin!"

Anna knew John pretty well; they dated briefly when we were all freshmen. They weren't together long; John introduced her to Ronny and the rest was history. They had stayed friends, and Anna loved the idea of John and I together. She always said that I needed someone like him to boost my confidence.

An hour and many costume changes later, we were both ready. We stood side by side in front of her mirror-covered wall. Anna glowed with satisfaction as she surveyed her work. She had decided on a short, denim skirt with a red shirt that hung loosely from her shoulders and was cut short above her belly button. To finish off the effect, she had pulled on her knee high "hooker boots" (as I called them) and adorned herself with as much jewelry as she could wear. Next to that, I was much less glamorous looking. I was shorter, chubbier, and much less sexy. I was more comfortable in a pair of stretch jeans, and a plain pink tank top. Anna had arranged my short, dark mop of hair into a style dependent on plenty of gel and hairspray. I looked attractive, but not desperate. Satisfied with our appearances, and we were ready for a night of what I thought would be innocent fun.

Ronny drove us to the party. I wasn't more than a ten minute drive, so my nerves didn't have too much time to ruin my excitement. As he pulled his beat up old Jeep on the side of the road near the house, we confronted chaos. Cars lined the small country road. Riley's house, which was lacking adult supervision for the weekend, seemed to be exploding with people. As we got out of the Jeep, some guy ran by us, sloshing beer about recklessly, screaming, "PARTY!!!!" Anna and I giggled. This was the place.

"Looks like they haven't wasted any time getting started!" Ronny said, taking Anna's hand and leading us toward the house.

I had never been to such a party. There had to be over 200 people there, ranging from freshmen that I vaguely knew of to graduates that I hadn't seen or heard from in years. Music thumped from inside the house and people were singing and dancing, obviously driven by the alcohol they held in their hands. Much to my surprise, last year's valedictorian, Leslie Milk, was among the drinkers. I could see that college had corrupted her moralistic values of drinking and parties. I wondered if she was happy as she looked.

I felt uncomfortable because I didn't really know anybody there besides Anna and Ronny, and I hadn't seen John yet. My palms started to sweat and my stomach got queasy. I didn't belong there. I should have gone home.

Ronny handed Anna and I a beer. Anna proposed a toast to our first drink of the night. I caught her eye and smiled awkwardly. I think she could tell that I was uncomfortable.

"Hey, cheer up Shelly! This is supposed to be fun! Just get a few beers in ya, and you'll be just fine!" She raised her plastic cup up toward Ronny and I and yelled, "To a perfect night!"

I took a deep breath and drank. Yuck!!!! I'd forgotten how much I despised the taste of beer until that very moment, but I chugged it like a pro. I needed something to loosen me up a little so that I could search for John. Anna and Ronny had begun their regular drunken ritual: drink, make out, fight, drink some more, make up, and finally spend the night together. Anna currently had her tongue shoved down his throat, so I decided to take a walk around the house.

It was just like school; there were cliques everywhere. A group of cheerleaders stood by the front door greeting their friends with shrilly voices as they hugged and jumped around with excitement. A group of freshmen huddled in the living room, pretending that they fit in when in fact they looked more scared than me. A cloud of smoke filtered in through the screen door that led to the patio from a group of skaters. They would all argue that smoking pot could be considered one of their talents. In the kitchen, I finally spotted John. He was with a group of football players, their school jackets creating a bobbing sea of red and white. I fortified myself with another beer and walked toward them. Before I could say anything, he spotted me and ran over to give me a hug.

"There you are," he said with a stupid grin on his face. "I was beginning to think that you stood me up!"

Obviously, John had had a lot to drink already. His cheeks were flushed, and his eyes were not quite focused when he spoke at me. He stood with his arm draped across my shoulder, placing much of his 230 pounds on me so that I had to re-balance myself. I looked over at his friends; they, too, had been enjoying themselves quite a bit. They were laughing at each other like big, dumb monkeys over, from what I could tell, absolutely nothing.

"Are you having a good time?" he asked me.

"Of course I am," I answered in the most convincing voice I could muster.

"Good. I'm really glad you ca." John was interrupted as the host of the party, Riley, appeared with a bottle of tequila.

"Gentlemen, let the real drinking begin!!!" he screamed.

"Alright!!" All the football players huddled around the tequila. From the corner of my eye, I saw John bolt for a shot glass from a nearby counter.

I was feeling even more uncomfortable now. Coming to this party was a huge mistake. I'd hoped to show John that I could be fun, but I was quickly seeing that there was no way I could get his attention the way I wanted to. I chugged the rest of my beer in hopes that it would make me feel more secure.

"Here Shelly, I got ya some of the good stuff." John pushed a shot glass of tequila in my face.

Hesitantly, I took the glass out of his hand and smiled as a gesture of thanks. I had never done a shot before, and I watched the others uneasily as they followed the ritual. They licked salt off their arms, downed the alcohol, and then sucked on lemon wedges. It looked disgusting, but I joined in. What could it hurt to have a couple of shots? I wasn't having much fun anyway, so I may as well feel goofy like the rest of them.

"Bottoms up," I cheered, as we licked, drank, and sucked.

The alcohol burned my throat as it slowly slid down. I gagged at first, but managed to hide my reaction so that I wouldn't look like a fool in front of John and his friends. I pretended to enjoy the ridiculous ritual, and found myself doing the same thing again. For some reason, I liked the way that John was looking at me as we "partied." Although we had been friends for a long time, he had never looked at me with such satisfied and interested eyes. I had never seen eyes like that coming from any guy.

"Hit me again," I ordered.

With every drink I felt more free and alive. My body started to feel numb, and everything anyone said was so funny to me. It felt good not to worry about what I was doing or saying, and it was great to be receiving attention from a guy who usually thought of me as just a friend. Just as my vision was becoming blurred, I heard a commotion coming from the living room, so I grabbed John's hand and pulled at him to come see what was happening. Anna and Ronny were continuing with their ritual, screaming at each other over some girl that tried to flirt with Ronny. Anna was the jealous type when she was drunk. I giggled uncontrollably when I saw the angry look on her face.

"How cuj jew?" She waved one fist at him and sloshed a beer around in the other, desperately trying to keep her balance.

"Wat are ya talkin bout?" he answered, his eyes fixated on her fist, swaying back and forth to avoid it. "I dunt even know her! I swear hunnney. You're the only one fur me." She stopped swinging her fist, and studied his face as if she was in a state to judge if he was lying or not.

"You bastard!" She splashed her beer in his face and held a fist up at him.

"Let's get out of here," John whispered in my ear. He took my hand and led me outside of the house. The room spun around crazily as I stumbled, trying to keep up with him and keep my balance at the same time. We ended up in a wooded area somewhere behind the house. Before I knew it, he was kissing the nape of my neck and had wrapped his arms around my waist. His touch felt more amazing than I had ever imagined. He laid me down on the grass and rolled on top of me. I was enjoying myself too much to stop him. We frantically ripped each other's clothes off, the alcohol guiding our actions. Then, I felt something that I never expected. I was in pain. We were having sex. My first reaction was to push him off, but for some reason I couldn't. My limbs were limp. The more I thought about it, the better it felt. It felt good to be bad.

* * * *

The bright sunlight beat in through the window, forcing me to wake up. I tried to open my eyes, but the brightness hurt. As I came to, an uncomfortable feeling overcame my stomach, and I knew that something was wrong. My head was throbbing, fighting me as I tried to sit up. When I could finally open my eyes, I looked around to figure out where I was. I was in the backseat of a car, and John was sleeping next to me in his boxer shorts. I was horrified when I realized that I was nearly naked; I was wearing only my underwear and my bra hung off my shoulders. Our clothes were sprawled all over the front seat. What had I done?

I frantically tried to reassemble myself in the limited space I had. A million thoughts ran uncontrollably through my head. How did we get in this car? Was last night a dream? Where did Anna and Ronny go? Were we still at the party, or did John drive me somewhere? What time was it? I thought hard about what had happened the night before, and I slowly recollected the horrible things I had done. I felt angry at John, who was sleeping soundly next to me.

I tried to escape the car without him noticing me, but he was stirred from his sleep as I tried to open the car door. I was too embarrassed to speak to him first.

"Good morning, beautiful," he grunted. His hair was disheveled and his eyes were bloodshot and squinted. He tried to lean toward me and give me a kiss, but I awkwardly leaned away from him.

"Hey," I answered, not able to look him in the eye. I wanted to just leave, but my conscience got the best of me. "What happened last night?" I was hoping that what I remembered wasn't real, and that he would tell me nothing happened. John just looked up at me with a puzzled expression on his face.

"What kind of dumb question is that Shelly? You know what happened. You were there!" My eyes began to fill with tears as I heard the sarcasm in his voice and saw the lack of concern on his face.

"Dumb question?!" I screamed at him. "I woke up this morning naked in the back seat of a car with you. This isn't exactly a normal thing for me! I have an awful headache and a twisted stomach, and I am not in the mood to deal with your games right now. We had sex, didn't we?" I couldn't hold back the tears anymore, but I tried to look at him as seriously as I could. He looked puzzled, but he reached out to touch my shoulder to comfort me.

"Don't worry about it Shelly. People do it all the time. It's no big deal."

Yeah, it was no big deal. All I did was lie to my parents and violate every moral that I had stood for my whole life. I was disgusted with myself. All I wanted to do was have a few drinks and act my age for once, but I ended up going too far. I thought that I was stronger than that. Sick and humiliated, I decided to leave without talking to him about anything else.

"I have to go," I said, and got out of the car without even looking at him. I looked around to see that we were parked down the street from Riley's house. Knowing that my house wasn't too far, I decided to just walk home. The cool morning air felt good on my face, which was swollen and red from my tears.

* * * *

My parents were sitting at the kitchen table sipping their morning coffee and reading the paper when I got home. Just looking at them and knowing that I was about to lie to them again made me feel sick to my stomach.

"Hey honey," my dad said without looking up from the paper, "how was your sleepover?"

"Fine," I replied, trying to say as little as possible.

"What's wrong dear?" my mom asked me, seeing that I didn't look too hot. It was always hard to get anything by her observant nature.

"Oh nothing," I replied, trying hard to think of a believable story to tell her. "Anna just had some problems with her boyfriend yesterday, so we were up for most of the night. You know those two, always fighting about something."

My mom just looked at me, obviously questioning what I had told them. Before she could say anything else, I added, "I could really use a shower and little nap. I'll talk to you guys later." I bolted up the stairs to my room and shut the door. I still felt sick to my stomach, partly from all the alcohol I had consumed the night before and partly from being disgusted with myself over what I had done. I knew I should call Anna right away, but I drifted to sleep. Suddenly, I was back at the party. I walked around, but no one noticed I was there, including John. He was standing in the middle of a large group of cheerleaders, and they were taking turns kissing him. I walked away from him to find Anna and Ronny. I found them fighting again, but this time they were shooting each other with water guns and jumping over the furniture.

Riiinnnggg!!! The phone next to my bed seemed like an alarm, forcing me to sit up quickly and then fall just as quickly back onto the bed when I realized how bad my head hurt. I slowly rolled over and clutched the phone. I forced out a muffled, "hello."

"What happened to you last night?" Anna screamed through the receiver.

"Not so loud," I pleaded.

"I've been worried sick!" she screamed again. "One minute you were with us, the next minute you were the life of the party, and then you were gone! Ronny and I spent most of the night waiting for you to show up so that we could take you home. It's not like you to drink like that, and I was afraid we would find you in a ditch somewhere!!"

"I don't know what came over me. I was just having a good time. Besides, you and Ronny got into that fight and I didn't want to get in the middle of it."

"You know us Shelly, we just overreact when we drink. I was glad that you were having a good time, so I didn't think much of it until you went missing. Where were you?"

I didn't know what to say to her. I was sorry that she was worried, but I felt even worse thinking about her reaction if I told her the truth. I didn't want her to think any less of me.

"I'm sorry Anna. I wasn't feeling too well, so I went out to get some air. John and I went for a walk, and he offered to just walk me home. I should have told you. I'm really sorry." I held my breath, hoping that she would believe my story and that we could stop talking about it. If she hadn't seen me leave the party with John, then it was likely that no one had seen us. I could just forget about what happened and go back to life as normal. I was realizing why I never bothered to drink or go to parties; I didn't like myself very much when I was lying to everyone I loved.

"Oh," Anna said, disappointed and sounding as though she was expecting more of a story from me. "Well you should have told us you were leaving."

"I'm really sorry. It won't ever happen again." I was telling the truth this time. I would never let myself in a situation where that would ever happen again.

* * * *

I was startled by a knock at the bathroom door. I quickly tried to dry the tears from my face; I wasn't prepared for either of my parents to see me like that.

"Shelly, are you ok? You have been in there for quite awhile. Do you need something honey?" My mom was standing right outside the bathroom, but her voice sounded so far away. I felt awful that she was trying to help me when I had lied flatly to her face just a few hours earlier.

"I'm alright mom." I had to force the words from my mouth. "I just have an upset stomach. I'll be fine."

"Alright then." She paused for a minute. "Listen Shelly. You haven't been acting yourself today. If you need to talk about something, I'm here. Just don't forget that."

I didn't answer her. I just waited until I heard her walk down the hallway and into her bedroom, where she and my dad would sleep soundly, thinking that they raised a daughter they could trust

Kimberly Sciolino is currently a Junior at Daemen College, working toward a degree in Childhood and Inclusive Special Education. She is just beginning to write fiction, although she has always had an interest in English and composition.